New Day Star

 Hey stargazers,  The day is finally here! It's grad trip time beautiful people and of course, in typical VKC fashion, I maybe got three hours of sleep before traveling. I don't think that's ever going to change though, I've been like it since I started traveling when I was 12.  It's kind of crazy to think about how many years I've been coming to this airport and how many flights I've been on.  Some of my friends have never flown before and have a bunch of questions about the airport and how it all works.  At this point, I have it down to routine, though I did totally forget I had a mini lighter in my backpack with my smokes this morning while going through security but they didn't think anything of it. Now if it was a windproof butane lighter I would've gotten shit but since it was a mini bic I guess they didn't care.  They just announced my flight is full, which means it's going to be even stuffier than usual which is annoying but I've ...

 Hey stargazers,  So it happened, I changed my name AGAIN.  A lot has happened since my last post. I'm back in Newfoundland now and the divorce went through in December.  Things here have been quiet for the most part, there's always going to be family drama though but that's life.  Work is going okayish which is all I can hope for with the way my job is.  Today I have a seminar on mental health burnout which should be interesting or boring. Either way, I plan on getting some work done during it because I have a huge deadline this week I need to meet and I'm writing this on a fifteen so bare with me!  My name is back to my maiden name Vanessa M but somehow they dropped two of my middle names on my ID which makes me now Vanessa Lillian M which I like, though I'd have loved to have Katherine on it because that's where the K comes from in VKC.  Mary, I'm not so much a fan because it's religious. I swear to god every catholic child born in the last 100...

So the title of today's post is actually a question; Does a new name mean a new identity? The reason for this question is because I recently got married and my new ID's have come in with my married name on them. Placing my current ID next to my new one I can't help but see little to no similarities between the two women before me. My Newfoundland ID not only holding my now maiden name but also a picture of, well it honestly looks like a mug shot. Looking at it I remember the day I got this picture taken, it was the weekend prior to my 19th birthday which in Newfoundland was a big deal because I was about to be a 'legal' adult and be able to buy liquor, cigarettes, have a credit card..etc all the 'fun stuff' that came with being an 'adult' or what my mind thought five years ago meant being an adult, boy was she in for a rude awakening. She had been cranky because the clerk refused to not put the 'idiot strip' (eighteen year old me...

So while studying today I found an old jotted down memory from my very first year of university. It made me think back to simpler times. So in the spirit of exactly that I thought I'd share this sweet little memory. New Day, September 17th 2012  I sit quietly in the middle of upper campus in the mid day sun, classes are slowly emptying themselves with each passing moment. This school holds an eclectic mix of races, sexuality, genders and styles, it's a wonder why this place is called a liberal arts institution and not a circus at times. I myself a born outsider, no true home but the pages in her notebook. At times it's amazing to be living like a bird calling no place home but the sky in which that holds my ever free falling soul. Drifting in and out of time and space, this life has become but pages in and old worn diary with a new chapter each day, with the good and bad even funny. It's hard to recall a sad moment in life when all you can do is smile. Like sneez...

You're gonna walk across the court yard, this is how I'll remember you with your head high and strutting across the path. I'm gonna smile as if I'll see you Monday in class. This is how I'll remember you. These were the words of one of the girls I have had class with for the last year as we waved goodbye to one another knowing full well after that day we would likely never see one another again. We've sat together every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for two semesters in a row, somehow managing to be in the same musical theory class and then in the same journalism class. Wednesday was a hard day because it was my last day of classes ever at St. Thomas. Walking through the school felt different, it was the last time I would see it this packed and this alive. I told my theory professor what an honor it was to have learned under him, he was one of my favorites as he had written most of the books I had used in Criminology in my time here and his words were easy...

So it's been a long time since I wrote, seems like the last time I sat down and actually wrote something meaningful was the last time I sat in this very spot and contemplated where my life was going. Seems like that is what I have been doing a lot lately, because my life certainly has changed a lot since the last time I wrote. But first I'd like to share something about myself that I don't really think anyone knows about me, unless they've seen me bawling over the endings of shows... well the series finales then they might know this. I hate endings. A few moments ago I re watched for the second time (only second because again I hate endings) the Republic of Doyle series finale. Now I'm a pretty emotional person to begin with, added with the very fact that in the episode the two leads fought to be together, one of them ended up in the hospital while pregnant and a few gun shot wounds (she was pregnant before hand) and then when her boyfriend found her the look ...

As summer draws to a close I feel as if this week is in a way last call.... Hedley a band I note has been a favorite of mine since I was a kid has a song that pretty vividly depicts last call in both a bar and life in my mind. About three weeks ago my current partner asked me out of the blue if I'd like to join her on her leave from the military to go see her family for two weeks or so in Ottawa to which I quickly agreed having been excited to spend some quality time with both her and her family while seeing a new part of the country. So away we went, driving for nearly thirteen hours, with the most confusing and infuriating pit stop in Montreal to pick up a friend who had bargained to drive part of the way in exchange for a ride back to Ottawa... we met him in the literal BIGGEST mall I've ever been in.... to those of you who haven't been to the Rideau Centre in Montreal... brace yourselves if you're like me and hate crowds in small places it will send you into ...

I have been travelling for a long time, and by long I mean since I was seventeen. At that age I saw travelling as somewhat terrified of going it alone, of people, of strange places and of everything outside my comfort zone. However over the last several years I have come to enjoy it,, yes I will always have my pre-travel anxiety but once I start the journey that's when the real fun begins. You see I am a firm believer in finding something decent in travel, be it the much needed break from work/school, the white noise of the bus driving down the highway, the excitement of children travelling for the first time (I'm sorry but I love this thing because their little faces lighting up when they see planes is kind of amazing, just seconds ago I saw a little one with a ninja turtles beanie that had a crocheted on eye mask like Raphael which made my heart squeeze due to my ninja turtle love as a kid) or just the escape from everything. But for me of all the things I enjoy the comr...

It seems like another life has passed since we first met. Two kids oblivous to the world around them as they marched in lines with their fellow cadets, only soon realizing they were from not only the same place but also the same era. Era? Yes, because the two of us were poets in the making, unknown to ourselves as we marched to the beats of our drums and no one else's because that was all we knew how to do, or at least what we fought to do. For years we were each others sounding boards, the others home and happy place. We were the other half that we were searching for. For years we were like this, and for years you were who I wanted to be around. Pushing each other to write and be who we were despite all the odds that surrounded us. You wanted to be a history teacher, and I wanted to be an English teacher. We wanted to change the world one student at a time, and make damned sure nobody ever had to deal with what we survived. But as time went on we began driving on differe...

Time stands still when you look at me.  With those cloudy brown eyes, The storm clouds remaining from wars few and far betw en.  You say we'll take time, That you need time.  I know you're in pain  And it kills me, all I want is to wave a magical wand Something.  Anything to make it better.  We're in this constant roundabout  Protecting and helping eachother with demons that never seem to leave.  What I want want you to know is, No matter how bad the storm, No matter how hard it gets, No matter how long it takes, I'm still going to be here, On your side.  Telling you how beautiful, amazing, talented and inspiring you are.  Because you are all of this and more.  Every rose has its thorns, And nothing good ever comes easily.  But I'm not going anywhere .  This I promise you. 

Depression.. This single word has a way of defining how we see people, how others see themselves.. there are so many ways that this single word can be defined through theory, science, medicine, psychopathy, the ways and views are almost endless. My view, or how this one word has managed to become part of my life over the last ten years is something that clinicians would find 'normal' even though I quite frankly don't believe that word exists in our world today. I have been dealing with this illness since the age of eleven, or maybe even longer. You see where I am from, back years ago it was something that wasn't to be talked about.. people who struggled with it did it in silence or were considered crazy.. I was one of those kids who thought everything in the world was wrong with me, I went through those phases of self blame.. Now part of that was brought on by my anxiety and the early stages of figuring out who I was, the typical growing up stuff so to speak. Tha...

So I am on the road.. well on the sky.. I am flying high..  Lol not so fast.. I am currently sitting in the airport in Halifax, awaiting my connecting flight back to school after a night of no sleep.. not a bunch of food or anything really I am sitting here with my salted caramel frap thinking of the lessons we learn as travellers on this earth.  I have been re reading Timber Hawkeye's Buddhist Bootcamp recently and there was a chapter about leaving no trace of you're existance.  I thought to myself while packing last night.. how can we possibly do this? In a way it is easy to leave no trace.. make it look like we have never been to a place before but in reality we want to be remembered. I mean by our friends and people we love.  So in short while packing I made sure to leave to trace.. no mess of any kind, all of my dishes washed, my garbage got taken out, my dresser gutted out aside from the few things I left home to wear during holidays when I go back for some day...

With each day that passes, we get older, things change, people change, we move forward with hopes in some cases of never looking back. While in other cases we don't want to leave, and want things to stay the same. The only thing is sometimes it takes losing or almost losing everything to make you realize what you have in your own back yard. Cliche right? In my case, I have been wanting to move out of my peaceful little town, leave my beautiful oceanic view, and comfortable home and see the world. Its been my dream forever, leave for university, come back on holidays, go back to school, come home for a week then jet set to some part of the world to live for a few months and teach while on summer break. Living a life of an international jet setter, see the world at eighteen and never look back at my days as a bullied kid. Only to look forward at the future and the listless possibilities for me. As I pack my things and ready myself for this next chapter I am beginning to wonder, am...

So here we go again. A new start and a new day, and in order to begin again you must leave behind what you knew before and venture into the world of the unknown. Or in my case, graduating high school. Today is the last day for me here at Holy Trinity High. Saying fond farewells to the teachers who somewhat supported me over the last six years of my life. While some helped me more than others, I still owe some a little respect.  I am staying clear of the history class room for as long as possible as it is the one place I am bound to break down. For three years it has been my home, sitting in my desk by the window listening to Mr Conners teach of the worlds greatest wins a losses. Falling inlove with the subject I hope someday to teach (next to english). I won't regret my time here, or the decisions I've made.  You see it comes down to this, here I stand knowing everything that I know and have done what I was meant to do. Now starts the new journey.  I can't stick ...