When the darkness comes
Depression..
This single word has a way of defining how we see people, how others see themselves.. there are so many ways that this single word can be defined through theory, science, medicine, psychopathy, the ways and views are almost endless.
My view, or how this one word has managed to become part of my life over the last ten years is something that clinicians would find 'normal' even though I quite frankly don't believe that word exists in our world today.
I have been dealing with this illness since the age of eleven, or maybe even longer.
You see where I am from, back years ago it was something that wasn't to be talked about.. people who struggled with it did it in silence or were considered crazy.. I was one of those kids who thought everything in the world was wrong with me, I went through those phases of self blame..
Now part of that was brought on by my anxiety and the early stages of figuring out who I was, the typical growing up stuff so to speak.
That is one of the things I most associate my depression with, QUIET.
It's interesting to look back at then and compare everything to how things have changed.
You see at this time nobody knew I was suffering from anything other than school bullying and anxiety, but there was much more on the horizon.
At the age of thirteen I had my first recorded episode with being suicidal, cutting and wanting to over dose on my allergy medication.. what I referred to back then as my 'little pink pills' because they were pink and for a kid with insect allergies and allergies to certain scents it was more than easy for me to get my hands on them.
It was losing my best friend at sixteen that put me on hold, that stopped me dead in my tracks with all of my self hatred however. The sheer notion of him not being alive anymore shook me to my very core, when you think of someone passing at any age you really stop and wonder 'is it really worth it?'
For me this was enough to stop me for a while, yes I was depressed because of the loss but it was more so that I was crying both for the loss of my best friend and also for the fact that I didn't have those welcoming, comforting arms anymore to hold me... to see his smile and to know he was there. Logan in short was more than a friend, he was family and someone I still to this day after five years I hold close to my heart.
The following year or two I kept to myself, trying to fly under the radar for what was left of high school... still dealing with my day to day stuff, seeing a guidance counselor on an almost daily basis up until I made the move here to Fredericton.
I'll say this, moving was both a struggle and a freedom.
Struggle because of the adjustment, but freedom because I was away from all of the stigma that surrounded mental health.. Fredericton is a much more welcoming and accepting city than my hometown ever could be.
When I had my first episode here, I was brought to the clinic that I will forever know as my guiding light of sorts as with the help of the amazing team at the UNB Health Center I have made so much progress it's unreal. The comforting atmosphere makes you feel at peace even when you feel like your world is falling apart,
First year was an adjustment period, it was about definition in short for me as it was about finding my own two feet and trying to stand. It didn't happen, I was sent home eight months later for a year long academic suspension, I had let my issues and other problems get the best of me.. this was a learning curve that I needed to master.
During my year away I spent a lot of time focused on returning to Fredericton, to get back and get better.. to not let anything stand in my way. My year at home made me realize just how bad I wanted to be here, at STU and in this city as it was the first place I ever truly felt myself.
Through all of this the word still rung in my ears however QUIET.
Because no matter where you are or who you're around, when that little tick starts in on you it's almost necessary to go somewhere quiet, for me especially because if I don't I lash out.
When I came back there was a new swell of challenges waiting for me, the moving into my first apartment, coming back to a school that had just a year prior had kicked me out, not knowing many people because after a year away everyone was a stranger again and again the challenge of adjusting once more.
It wasn't easy honestly, I had some pretty big episodes in that year.. but the thing I started to realize through therapy was that it was okay to not be okay, it was okay to not be perfect and that it was okay to be me.
Part of my problem has always been my fear of myself, my fear of being my true self if that makes any sense because it is how I describe it.
My true self is queer, this was something I had to accept before I could progress any further that I already had because the only way to move forward is to accept everything instead of running from it like I did when I was little to go to a quieter place.
I couldn't quiet this part of me, this part that had been screaming at me for so long.
About a month ago I decided to stop being afraid of who I really was and decided rather than hating myself for it and making myself do things that made me feel worse (yes this means going out, hooking up and being with guys.. I am sorry there is no avoiding this fact that I did this for so long and I will regret it forever but doing this all helped me realize who I really am)
Instead of doing what I almost expected of myself at this point I decided to let the real person shine through, the one I was afraid to be and the one that I had always wanted to be.
Coming out was probably the best and most freeing thing I have ever done, the feeling I compare it to is zip lining, because in the air I felt free like there were no limits, above only sky and what awaited below couldn't hurt me... because for those few minutes I was free.
This is how I felt when I came out to my friends, when I came out to my family once the after shock had settled and they started to well I guess the words I can use are 'deal with it' because they don't really have a choice at this point I felt free.
When I walk around the city now I feel like a new person, someone happier someone who feels good in their own skin.. like everything finally fits.
This has really helped settle down a good portion of my depression but not all of it..
When the darkness does come I still have those urges, to cut, to overdose to run and hide from everything.
My realization with all of this was that it is all similar and linked.. I just want one word.
QUIET.
For my mind to be silent, the room and all the space around me.. for everyone to just let me be me.
Mediation has come as a gift, as it helps a lot of the time..
One thing you must know is that I have never taken a medication for this, ever..
My ways of dealing are very simple, venting about whatever triggered me to friends or to a piece of paper I later shred, dancing, writing, running or in some cases yes crying because crying is not the demon here.. it's the emotions that can be the most lethal, it reminds me of a passage from Buddhist Bootcamp by Timber Hawkeye, when he said 'when you have a craving/impulse just watch it, don't react,,, watch how your mind reacts when you don't give it what it wants, like the spoiled rich kid it had become'
This makes a lot of sense because if you do watch the trigger, acknowledge it, accept it and move on the more you do this the easier it gets in small cases and then you gradually work into the bigger ones.
The root of this entire thing is that everyone seems to think mental illness can define you, or it can be defined by you.
My honest belief is that no mater how dark it gets, so long as you have that match to light your candle, be it your best friend, your support group... something to help ease the pain in a healthy way, you can survive anything.
So when the darkness does come we will always be able to find our QUIET and out light.
This single word has a way of defining how we see people, how others see themselves.. there are so many ways that this single word can be defined through theory, science, medicine, psychopathy, the ways and views are almost endless.
My view, or how this one word has managed to become part of my life over the last ten years is something that clinicians would find 'normal' even though I quite frankly don't believe that word exists in our world today.
I have been dealing with this illness since the age of eleven, or maybe even longer.
You see where I am from, back years ago it was something that wasn't to be talked about.. people who struggled with it did it in silence or were considered crazy.. I was one of those kids who thought everything in the world was wrong with me, I went through those phases of self blame..
Now part of that was brought on by my anxiety and the early stages of figuring out who I was, the typical growing up stuff so to speak.
That is one of the things I most associate my depression with, QUIET.
It's interesting to look back at then and compare everything to how things have changed.
You see at this time nobody knew I was suffering from anything other than school bullying and anxiety, but there was much more on the horizon.
At the age of thirteen I had my first recorded episode with being suicidal, cutting and wanting to over dose on my allergy medication.. what I referred to back then as my 'little pink pills' because they were pink and for a kid with insect allergies and allergies to certain scents it was more than easy for me to get my hands on them.
It was losing my best friend at sixteen that put me on hold, that stopped me dead in my tracks with all of my self hatred however. The sheer notion of him not being alive anymore shook me to my very core, when you think of someone passing at any age you really stop and wonder 'is it really worth it?'
For me this was enough to stop me for a while, yes I was depressed because of the loss but it was more so that I was crying both for the loss of my best friend and also for the fact that I didn't have those welcoming, comforting arms anymore to hold me... to see his smile and to know he was there. Logan in short was more than a friend, he was family and someone I still to this day after five years I hold close to my heart.
The following year or two I kept to myself, trying to fly under the radar for what was left of high school... still dealing with my day to day stuff, seeing a guidance counselor on an almost daily basis up until I made the move here to Fredericton.
I'll say this, moving was both a struggle and a freedom.
Struggle because of the adjustment, but freedom because I was away from all of the stigma that surrounded mental health.. Fredericton is a much more welcoming and accepting city than my hometown ever could be.
When I had my first episode here, I was brought to the clinic that I will forever know as my guiding light of sorts as with the help of the amazing team at the UNB Health Center I have made so much progress it's unreal. The comforting atmosphere makes you feel at peace even when you feel like your world is falling apart,
First year was an adjustment period, it was about definition in short for me as it was about finding my own two feet and trying to stand. It didn't happen, I was sent home eight months later for a year long academic suspension, I had let my issues and other problems get the best of me.. this was a learning curve that I needed to master.
During my year away I spent a lot of time focused on returning to Fredericton, to get back and get better.. to not let anything stand in my way. My year at home made me realize just how bad I wanted to be here, at STU and in this city as it was the first place I ever truly felt myself.
Through all of this the word still rung in my ears however QUIET.
Because no matter where you are or who you're around, when that little tick starts in on you it's almost necessary to go somewhere quiet, for me especially because if I don't I lash out.
When I came back there was a new swell of challenges waiting for me, the moving into my first apartment, coming back to a school that had just a year prior had kicked me out, not knowing many people because after a year away everyone was a stranger again and again the challenge of adjusting once more.
It wasn't easy honestly, I had some pretty big episodes in that year.. but the thing I started to realize through therapy was that it was okay to not be okay, it was okay to not be perfect and that it was okay to be me.
Part of my problem has always been my fear of myself, my fear of being my true self if that makes any sense because it is how I describe it.
My true self is queer, this was something I had to accept before I could progress any further that I already had because the only way to move forward is to accept everything instead of running from it like I did when I was little to go to a quieter place.
I couldn't quiet this part of me, this part that had been screaming at me for so long.
About a month ago I decided to stop being afraid of who I really was and decided rather than hating myself for it and making myself do things that made me feel worse (yes this means going out, hooking up and being with guys.. I am sorry there is no avoiding this fact that I did this for so long and I will regret it forever but doing this all helped me realize who I really am)
Instead of doing what I almost expected of myself at this point I decided to let the real person shine through, the one I was afraid to be and the one that I had always wanted to be.
Coming out was probably the best and most freeing thing I have ever done, the feeling I compare it to is zip lining, because in the air I felt free like there were no limits, above only sky and what awaited below couldn't hurt me... because for those few minutes I was free.
This is how I felt when I came out to my friends, when I came out to my family once the after shock had settled and they started to well I guess the words I can use are 'deal with it' because they don't really have a choice at this point I felt free.
When I walk around the city now I feel like a new person, someone happier someone who feels good in their own skin.. like everything finally fits.
This has really helped settle down a good portion of my depression but not all of it..
When the darkness does come I still have those urges, to cut, to overdose to run and hide from everything.
My realization with all of this was that it is all similar and linked.. I just want one word.
QUIET.
For my mind to be silent, the room and all the space around me.. for everyone to just let me be me.
Mediation has come as a gift, as it helps a lot of the time..
One thing you must know is that I have never taken a medication for this, ever..
My ways of dealing are very simple, venting about whatever triggered me to friends or to a piece of paper I later shred, dancing, writing, running or in some cases yes crying because crying is not the demon here.. it's the emotions that can be the most lethal, it reminds me of a passage from Buddhist Bootcamp by Timber Hawkeye, when he said 'when you have a craving/impulse just watch it, don't react,,, watch how your mind reacts when you don't give it what it wants, like the spoiled rich kid it had become'
This makes a lot of sense because if you do watch the trigger, acknowledge it, accept it and move on the more you do this the easier it gets in small cases and then you gradually work into the bigger ones.
The root of this entire thing is that everyone seems to think mental illness can define you, or it can be defined by you.
My honest belief is that no mater how dark it gets, so long as you have that match to light your candle, be it your best friend, your support group... something to help ease the pain in a healthy way, you can survive anything.
So when the darkness does come we will always be able to find our QUIET and out light.
Thanks for sharing Van!! Cool beans!
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